so its time to reinvent (no no, not a makeover or a wardrobe revamp!). but to re-think things. to take on newer challenges. if things are too much under-control, i need to redefine the challenges or take on newer challenges. setting new targets and goals. a change in the set-up. a complete over-haul (dont know if thats the right word, but am sure my literary snob readers will do the needful to correct me at the drop of a hat).
lots of angst. lots of sadness. somethings i can attribute it to, some i cant. the ones i can, i can deal with. its the others that bother me. in a room full of people i feel lost. two friends asked me yesterday (while partying away to glory in a club overfilled with about 500 people) why i looked so lost. i just smiled. i didnt know i was so easy to read. but i didnt want to pretend to be interested, because i wasnt. life is too short to do things you dont enjoy. met so many people i didnt know what to say to. old flames. so many in one room. fuck buddies? or fuck you buddies.
drifting away from a friend. someone who is sweet, but somehow i cant relate to much. and rather than get irritated and snap, i just keep my distance. dont know if its a good idea. but thats my way of dealing with it.
making some new friends. want to do something refreshing. dont want to vegetate away. have accepted my limitations and kno i am not particularly intelligent, but want to make the most of everything in my own capacity. am starting today. but have already taken baby steps towards it. started swimming. eat healthy (no, i dont starve, eat a wee bit less than the over-indulgent me does and allow myself only small treats once in a while). the hedonism needs to take a back-seat. i see it happening with most of my friends. this indulgence is too decadent. the small joys are lost. if you can call and order in desserts all the time, it takes away from the joy of havng the ritual token pastry every sunday.
how many times do you fall in love in one lifetime? once? i dont know. i hope its more than once. coz i have crossed my mark 1. the others were not of much essence. they were relationships one learns from, grows with and out of. but love? one down.
going to spend some time and take on a research project that i had put at the back of my mind. it made me sad that i had to think hard yesterday to identify if i had a larger goal in life. and i was shocked. i did, but had forgotten all about it for hte longest time. when i remembered it, it made me feel so much better. someday. many years from now. and it will be the best, ever. it has to.
had a very interesting lecture on 'MODERNISM'. Abhay Sardesai. the editor of Art India. a different perspective on Modernity. it is one of my favorite areas. to question what is truly modern. a very interesting observation ...this sanitary napkin advertisement some years ago shows a mother packing the trousseau for her daughter. very serious deadpan expression on her face as she tucks in some sanitary pads into the suitcase. looks at her daughter and says with immense pride 'unhe bhi toh pata chaley...hum bhi kitney modern hai'. i mean, OH-MY-GOD. like what? huh? some benchmark for modernity, i say.
want to go buy the audio cds of Ijaazat and Aandhi. i keep singing mera kuch saamaan all day long. want to go catch a few films this week. might go for one today... i need to get hooked up. this being single business is soooo getting to me.