A very indulgent 3 day holiday of sorts. In the midst of crazy work load. And terrible state of mind. Too much angst. Am upset with friends. Disappointed in myself. Big time. But the break is doing me good. Met a very very dear friend. Someone I hadnt met in almost a year. We bonded instantly. It could have been awkward. Thank god it wasn’t. sometimes meeting an ex can be a bit upsetting. But luckily it wasn’t. love lost, yes, in the prosaic sense of the term. Would never consider anorther go at it. But we still love each other in a more pious (corny!) sense. In naseer turabi’s words “ adaavatein thee, tagafull tha, ranjishey thee magar….bichadney wale mein sab kuch tha – bewafaai na thee. Who humsafar tha magar usse humnavaeen na thee”. Much against aparna’s warnings, will translate for the philistines. There were hostilities, there were differences, there were complaints but never infidelity. The person was a companion, but we did not communicate.
An ex who is now a soulmate. I know I will never find anyone like that again. Love lost. But finally I am not bitter about it not working out. Atleast not the way I wanted it too. My boraat! Got me loads of gifts. A jamdaani shirt, a wallet, a nehru jacket, bamboo tongs, mushroo piece, slip ons. And love. We might not meet for the longest time. Different countries. We perhaps may never meet again. I don’t know. “ bichhadtey waqt unn aankhon mein thee humaare ghazal. Ghazal bhi woh jo kissi ko abhi sunaee na thee”. Most beautiful. The beloved knew what I had to say. And it became needless then to say it.
Will go to rani-no-hajeero or the queens tomb. To buy ajrak (a textile print in indigo originally from sindh) for a friend who I hope will be something more than a friend someday. We have a date on Saturday when I get back to bombay. Out of the Blue of Hawwain shack. Sindh jo ajrak for my delhi friend who is now in bombay. A friend who introduced me to sufiana ways. I get mixed signals. But knowing my bhaggo I think it will not work.
Its gonna be christmas soon. Its cold. Wish I have people around me on christmas. I don’t think I will do anything on new years. I don’t feel welcome anywhere anymore. I’d rather just sleep.
Its already been 3 days.
The break is over. Am typing this on my way back to bombay. Am immensely sad. Cant convey the sadness in words. Immense loss. This city/town was something I explored with my friend. We did everything together. Discovered some wonderful places together. Today my friend left. Packed all bags and took a plane out. This city is suddenly not the same. There is nothing left here anymore. I just understood that it’s the people that make a city. Not the place. I don’t know what to do here anymore. Nothing is the same. Looks like all the interest has been rudely stripped off. I will come here again. But what will I do with myself? All the nice places we shared will be rudely bereft of the warmth or the niceness. Its like cutting off the umbilical chord. Bombay also is going to seem alien for a bit. Then over a few days things will be as usual. The same rut. The sameness will sooth. Till I think again. Think of what I am doing with myself. And for what. There must be anorther way to live this life.
Its strange that I never want something that I have strongly desired for once its attainable. Suddenly it loses all worth. Was dying to buy this one leather bag to hold my papers. Hidesign.suddenly I can afford it. And I so don’t want it anymore. At all. After lusting for it for three years. Now I want an LV, no less. Way out of my league. Its not so much the greed for more money. Its about disinterest. Its scary. I want to give it all up. Go to auroville. It wont affect anyone. I know that. If anyone could die of sadness...then fall aristera!